Experience: Being Awesome!

I need a job. The lack of accomplishment is starting to get to me. I mean I need a real job. I want to have to get to work on time and have a dress code with key cards and id badges. I want to have to clock in and clock out. I haven’t officially had an occupation in a little over 4 months and I’m pretty disappointed. I don’t think I’ve been this disappointed in myself since I lost to Sylvester Stallone arm wrestling at the end of the movie Over The Top. I’m kidding…That wasn’t really me, I would’ve only been 5 years old. To young to even enter an arm wrestling competition, yet old enough to know that turning your hat backwards before you arm wrestle someone doesn’t do shit. Besides arm wrestling is stupid and doesn’t prove anything other than the fact that the person who usually wins has a longer forearm; and that’s just because of physics. And even that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t have a job and am not nearly as successful as I should be by this age.

It’s not like I’m not trying. I come up with ideas and inventions all the time. People just steal my ideas, or also come up with them. I just don’t have the means or contacts to facilitate them, forcing me to need to find a day job, which I have yet to find. I’ve been looking too. I been going out to try and find a job in person, as well as I’ve also adapted to searching on the internet, which in all honesty, is bullshit. You see, I’ve been on Hotjobs, Monster, even Career Builder (which incidentally should be called Regret Builder, because the more jobs I find on there, the more lists of qualifications I find out I don’t have, which makes me realize how unproductive my life has been thus far). They’ll list things like “Desired Experience”, “Required Qualifications”, “We’d prefer someone with a Bachelors Degree”. Yea, I’d prefer to have super powers and not need a day job, we don’t always get what we want, so why don’t we compromise, you hire my ass, and I’ll learn to do what you hired me to do. See that’s my big problem. I have the ability learn how to do things. Most importantly I have the ability to figure out how to do them easier and with the least amount of effort on my part. I call it Efficiency. And that my friends, doesn’t mean a damn thing to employers. It’s not like you can send them a resume that says “Experience: 27 years of efficiently taking the easy way out”. Nope, they want to see the phrase “Efficiency Expert” followed by a list of reputable jobs. Of which, I have Zero. You see, my current resume is pretty much meaningless to any job that I could stomach and enjoy working at. The only experience I have is in “Job Hunting.”

I’m serious. My current resume literally laterally sucks. It doesn’t progress in a forward motion toward my hopes and dreams. It moves down and sideways like a WonkaVator. My resume is like the Superman Movies or even the Matrix Trilogy. It starts off great, but gets shittier as you continue to read. And it’s not like someone’s out to get me, it’s my own fault really, and I’ve come to accept this. I’ve also come to accept the fact that I may…. Be subconsciously sabotaging my life. Perhaps, it’s my sense of humor and creativity that doesn’t get hired in the first place. And to me this doesn’t make a lick of sense, considering most jobs, list “Sense of Humor’ as a requirement. So I apply my sense of humor to my resumes, and something tells me, the human resources departments don’t find my antics hilarious.

Take for example American Apparel. I applied to work as a sales representative at the local store. Along with my resume they needed to see that I dressed ‘Stylish’ and ‘Trendy’. So I attached 2 photos of myself and Jpeg of Teen Wolf playing basketball. Or even Whole Foods. They asked what kind of experience I had. So logically, I put that I could eat a whole pizza in one sitting.

Now, I do have 2 years of professional driving experience( I once delivered auto parts, as well as have worked as an executive driver for a college carting around the execs and guest speakers). So it astonished me when I was in interview for a position as a Bakery delivery driver that I was asked if I had any other driving experience….really?!





For one, I’m 27 years old…so I said: ”Uh…yeah..12 years of it. I’m also really good at Mario Kart. And I also once made the Kessel Run in less than 12 Parsecs.”

He responded “12 parsecs…is that fast?”

“Fast?!!” I responded,”More like Efficient”. “A parsec is a measure of distance, not time, asshole, and I can clearly see your wasting mine.” And I honestly don’t think I could work for someone who doesn’t see that I’m clearly over qualified to be a bakery delivery driver… So I walked out.

That’s the thing too.. They say it’s “Not about who you know, it’s who knows you…” and this is true. However I know a lot of people, and a lot of people know me, and I’m still in the same predicament…

They say it’s all about “Net Working”. Sadly for me,it’s “Not Working”.

Everyone I meet and inquire about a job always ask “well..what can you do?”. I can do a lot of things. “Well, what would you want to do?” Honestly? I’d like to get paid a lot, for doing very little. Kind of like all these scientists. I’ll get paid to do research on shit that will just be contradicted 2 years later.

Fun Fact: I think carbon dating is a bunch of bullshit….it’s one of those “The emperor has no clothes” types of things. Nobody wants to speak up on how absurd of an idea it is.

I could easily be a scientist. I mean seriously, how hard can it be? Just think of an idea, and get paid grant money to prove or disprove it with inventions and mathematical equations I invent myself. I could do that. I mean seriously, every day somewhere in the news is some hypothesis that some research team came up with and solved, that just ends up being contradicted later on by a rival research team.
Shit, listen to this absurdity.. I read this one article that mentioned that scientists in Europe have done a test regarding the correlation of “the direction your hair grows on the back of your head”. I’m serious, it stated that like 70% of people born with hair growing counter clock wise end up growing up to be gay. So Right now, I want everyone to look in a mirror, and let’s play a game I like to call “Who’s keeping a Secret?”
That’s got to be one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard…and I’ve heard a lot. It shows that obviously there are no prerequisites to being a research scientist. Some of the things they come up with are so stupid. Some things are just stupid to even be messing with..Cloning is one thing that kind of scares me. Haven’t any of them seen Blade Runner or Star Wars Attack of the Clones? Some things are not meant to be messed with in my opinion. Acting like they have it all figured out while they try and open a box and learn from it’s contents.. Hey Lazlo, Pandora was curious too. Haven’t you read that story? “Hey let’s build a giant tube in france and collide atoms that nobody can see anyways trying to re-enact the Big Bang and learn from it”. Yea.. good idea.. Spend billions of dollars on an expensive replica of Marble Madness when you could be studying the ocean. Am I the only one who secretly hoped they would accidently create a black hole or dimensional portal. All of a sudden there’s a flash of light and a Giant Dragon just sitting there looking at the scientists…”Um…Steve…do you see what I see..?” “If you’re referring to the giant dragon.. then yes…I think we’re fucked”. And the dragon would just be like…”yes, you are” Because obviously, it would be a talking dragon who is extremely pissed off at that fact that he’s going to miss tonight’s episode of LOST. Which in itself is another topic….